


Being Human

by Filmsterr



Series: Being Human [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Universe, Cas' POV, Friendship, Human Castiel, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 13:32:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7575841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Filmsterr/pseuds/Filmsterr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been several weeks since I fell. I am no better at being human.</p><p>------</p><p>A little snippet from Cas' perspective about the trials and errors of being human, and the many ways to say I Love You.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being Human

It has been several weeks since I fell. I am no better at being human. 

Sam is very patient with me. He sits and explains everything he is doing, tries to answer every question I have. Kevin, too, is sympathetic to the difficulties of my plight. Of all people, he seems best suited to understand how it feels to be thrust into a situation for which you are vastly unprepared. 

Dean is trying. I know that it is hard for him, too. 

The changes to my physicality pose one major set of obstacles. Adjusting to eating and showering at regular intervals; having to stop whatever task I might be doing to give in to my body’s commands. It is exceptionally annoying, and inefficient. Not to mention other bodily functions that I find highly… perturbing. 

Emotional development is an entirely different game of baseball, to use a phrase that Dean says often. Even after I have sated my hunger and rested for an appropriate number of hours, I sometimes find it difficult to perform daily functions. Thoughts creep at me that I have never had to confront before. Isolation. Loneliness. Despair. Wanting.

Love is a strange concept, I must note. The idea that it has to be openly declared to be seen as valid or true by humans. I had always assumed that it was an unspoken truth between all life forms, much like God’s unconditional love for his creations (though, recently, I am beginning to question the veracity of that, as well.) I find myself needing the words. 

Sam is very good at affirming me with words. He tells me often, “We care about you, Cas.” “Your safety is important, Cas.” “We love you, Cas.”

He speaks for Dean as well as himself. This confuses me more. I do not know how Sam can know how his brother feels. Perhaps he knows Dean well enough to intuit his emotional state. 

Dean does not say these things to me. He doesn’t say much at all. 

He teaches me things he considers integral to human survival. What he calls “the little things”. He believes that Sam will overlook these in his effort to assist me with larger objectives like Self-Actualization and other “hippie bullshit” (Dean’s words).

Dean takes me with him to change the oil in his car. He shows me how to shave my face- that leads to a lot of blood and a bit of pain, but Dean tells me I did not do a terrible job. (Kevin laughed loudly when he saw me, but Dean said to ignore him because he cannot grow hair on his face anyway.)

He likes to ensure that I eat the correct food groups: he says that lots of vegetables are important, and fruit is a very good breakfast. I ask him why he does not eat these foods himself. Hamburgers are not a vegetable- I made sure to ask Sam just to be certain before I pointed this out to Dean. Dean tells me that it’s not important if he does, only if I do. I do not mind being treated like a human child. I know that it is necessary. 

I feel sadness sometimes. I think of Jimmy: his soul and where it might be. His family. Claire.

There are also times when I feel positive emotions. Happiness. Fulfillment. When Sam and Dean and I go to eat at a diner, and they let me talk at length about bees and poetry. 

The moments I enjoy the most are those when Dean says to me, “Come on, Cas,” and we get into his car and drive for long times with the windows down and the radio on. Sometimes we watch the sun rise or set, and it strikes me as more significant now that I have taken mortal form. 

These times are mostly silent. Dean does not ask questions and I do not answer. 

I do not talk about my new emotions out loud. 

I once asked Sam why he talks so much about feelings and emotions, when Dean does so almost not at all. Sam told me that Dean is always telling people that he loves them. 

This hurts me. Dean has never said this to me. 

But then Sam said that Dean just doesn’t use his words. Sam said that there are many ways that a person can say “I Love You”, like taking care of someone and making sure that they are comfortable and safe and happy. 

That makes me smile. 

Dean gives me some of his old t-shirts with the names of rocks and rolls bands on them. Sam says to him, “Isn’t that your favorite shirt?”

Dean ducks his head and says, “I don’t have a favorite shirt, that’s chick stuff.” I laugh out loud, though I don’t entirely understand the humor, and Dean smiles. Then he tells me to get my ‘feathery ass’ into the kitchen so he can teach me how to cook a healthy dinner. 

I walk after him and I am still smiling. Sam gives me a big wink as I pass him.


End file.
